Grieving and Healing

Dearest Ones,

Most of us either listen or minister to someone who is grieving at some time or another. Grief comes in many ways. It may be death, loss of a job, divorce, can't find a job, children leaving home, an amputation, sickness, going to a nursing home, robbery, natural disaster (such as a tornado, hurricane or earthquake) or suicide, etc.

There is something similar in each of these tragedies - they each cause a loss of control. When people no longer have control of their lives, it is traumatic and scary. We all have a fear of the unknown. During hard times, it is important to have a friend who listens and understands. People usually don't want advice, they just want someone near who cares. You may be that friend.

If you're like me, you probably wonder what is the best thing to say at times when words fail. We really don't have to say anything - our presence says so much to a hurting person. Holding someone's hand or a hug is comforting. Sometimes, words get in the way, like saying, "This is God's will for you," "You'll get over this," or "This may be a blessing in disguise." Remarks like this may cause guilt or misunderstanding of the goodness of God. Probably the worst thing that can be said is, "Maybe God is punishing you for something." The suffering soul may be already suffering from shame, fear or guilt. Don't make it worse. You are not there to judge, but to help.

In time of trouble, there is always the temptation to give advice. Hurting people usually don't want advice. You may have observed that when someone is experiencing a sorrow, a friend, trying to help, may start talking about their own troubles and make them sound much worse than those of the friend who is hurting. This friend may mean well and think they are helping the sad person, - it may be making things worse.

It helps to ask questions, such as, "Tell me how your loved one died," and then really listen with respect. It helps so much to talk about hurtful situations to someone who really cares. Let them talk, even if it doesn't make sense to you. We have a society that worships the beautiful and the strong. To talk about our problems, our failures, and hardships makes us appear weak and vulnerable. Let them know it's OK to cry. To speak of our sadness is part of the healing.

It is common and normal for a person experiencing loss to be angry at God. Even Jesus on the cross said, "My God, why have you forsaken me?" Let the grieving person express their anger. Help them to understand that God does not promise an easy life to people of faith but promises support and love for the hard times. Do not tell mourners their anger is inappropriate - instead, allow them express it.

Last week, while volunteering at the hospital, I met a young couple in tears because the husband's mother had just had her leg amputated above the knee, due to diabetes. The husband asked me "Why? My Mother is the finest Christian I know. She is a good person - why does she have to suffer so much? I just can't understand it."

My first thought was, what can I possibly say that will help? He really wanted me to give him answers. I said something like this: "I don't know why this terrible thing happened to your mother. Suffering is a mystery that no one of us understands. We have only to look at Our Lord Jesus dying on the cross and realize He didn't do anything to deserve suffering, and yet, God uses his suffering to save all of us. There is so much pain and suffering throughout the world. There has to be value in suffering. Some day we'll know the reason. Your Mother may be saving countless souls with her acceptance of her amputation. Her suffering may be helping people she'll only know when she gets to heaven. Suffering in this life may prevent time spent suffering in Purgatory in the next life. Whatever way we look at it, there will always be suffering. It is what we do with it, our attitude toward it, that makes the difference. I know God will take care of your mother and I will pray for her and your family to get through this."

I don't know if my words helped. I tried. Each morning, in my prayer time, I ask the Holy Spirit to guide and direct my words and actions during the day. Then I leave it to Him and do the best I can.

Your loving presence gives hope to persons who are on journeys of loss, assures them that all will be well. God needs all of us to be healers because he can't be here, except through us. "As the Father has sent me, even so, I am sending you." (John 20-21) Ask Him to allow you to help others through their times of sorrow. Ask Jesus how he would approach the situation. What was his attitude toward broken people? He will help you! Pain takes a long time to go away, but if you let the suffering people know you love them, it makes their tragedy easier to bear.

Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price we pay for loving.

Have a Happy summer! Don't take a vacation from God, but I don't have to tell you that. Some people are so caught up in planning vacations, they forget to schedule Sunday Mass and dailly prayer in their plans. Keep God in your plans and He will keep you safe.

I love you!
Sister Francelle