Staying Connected With Your Teen‏

Dearest Ones,

Many of you may have teen-age children and all of us were once teenagers. Can you remember how hard it was? Teens are egocentric and think about themselves constantly. They are trying to find out who they really are. Parents often think they are losing them because they exhibit strange behaviors, such as ignoring their parents, giving them the silent treatment, interrupt conversations or act rude and insulting. Teens get embarrassed by their parents. I'm sure I did all these things. All teens do not go through this stage in the same way. How should parents react? That is the agonizing question I will try to answer. Not that I have all the answers, but I have worked with a lot of teens and will offer what my heart tells me. Most important, stay connected. If you want to develop friendship with your teen, start by getting to know who his friends are. Chances are they will do what their friends do. Gently, as a friend, ask what they do when with their friends. It's hard to do this without sounding suspicious, rather than simply interested, but you must do it. Whatever your fears, parents need to understand that their kids need them. Remember that you have lots of company, parents all over the world face the same challenge.Three things come to my mind which are important: communication, love and appreciation. It's no secret teens want to talk. They talk on the phone constantly, text message during classes, and hang with their peers. The trick is getting them to talk to you. It's easier than you think. First, let your teen know that you like them. If they think you like them, they will communicate. If they think you dislike them, they will shut you out. This doesn't mean you have to approve of everything they do. Teens can deal with your disapproval, if they know deep down that you love them, despite their disappointing behavior. After all, Our Lord loves us and He knows all of our faults. You must show that you love them. Usually, they're in some kind of pain they have to work out. If you constantly argue or find fault with your teens, you will drive them away. Secretly, many parents blame themselves for their child's behavior, but it is not their fault. From the time kids are very small they do what they want to do, not what parents tell them to do. So, don't blame yourselves. Kids are who they are - you need to accept that. It helps to pick out a couple of things your teen does well and let them know you admire this in them. If you can't say it to them, write them a note. They may throw it away or call you a liar, but that's OK. Just don't fight back. Do it again. Your teen has a deep need to be liked and loved. If teens don't get it from you, they will get it from someone else. Your teen may try desperately to break from you, emotionally, but after awhile, they'll come back - it may take a few years! Listening to your child is so important. Who doesn't like to be listened to? This means with eye contact, not while reading the paper, using the computer or the phone. Even if you don't like what you hear - keep listening. It is the only way to find out who their friends are, what they like to do, how they feel and what worries them. If children are bitter or angry all the time, that means they hurt inside. If you constantly interrupt to give advice or correct them, you will lose them. Even if you know the answer to their problem, you have to make yourself keep quiet and let them talk. No matter how badly you want to interrupt and correct, wait. It will pay off. Love is so important - let them know you love them even when you get no return. It is the greatest gift you can give. If teens are hard to love, so much the better. In the end, they will benefit so much more from your love. We all need to feel valuable to the people we live with, but teens feel this need even more. Parents should do everything they can to make their teen feel valuable. Otherwise, teens turn to outside the family to feel valued. Ask yourself: what traits do I praise my children for? Some parents praise only if they get good grades, soccer abilities, etc. If children see their parents only praising them when they succeed, it makes them feel less loved when they don't excel. Praise them for deeper traits, such as kindness, generosity, patience, not giving up, self-control, and courage. Teenagers want to be loved by their parents. They want to please them in order to get that love. They want to stay connected. If parents don't want to lose their children, there is nothing better than communication. Your teens will benefit enormously but you will be ever so much happier and fulfilled if you stay connected. God has given you the awesome privilege of guiding your children to heaven. Parents need to do a lot of praying in order to do this. If you pray, the Holy Spirit will give you the wisdom you need. If you are the parent of a teen, I highly recommend the book, YOUR KIDS AT RISK, by Dr. Meg Meeker (M.D.) copyright 2007. It can be purchased on the Internet, used, in excellent condition, for $5.75. You will do your teen a favor by reading this book. I hope you read it to the end, as the last chapter is the best!

I love you!

Sister Francelle